I have been sick all week. My eyelids are sealed shut. Swallowing is like being raped by the Lust guy in Seven. I have suddenly lost hearing in my right ear.* My wife is in Hong Kong. Today I gargled apple cider vinegar mixed with cayenne pepper because the internet told me to. Gee tell us more, Josh. I know this is what you’re saying. We are rapt over here, arms holding our knees to our chests, bobbing back and forth in anticipation. We love the I-feel-pukey posts.

Well the story here is that I once knew this girl who would get all dressed up when she felt illness coming on. She’d get the first whiff of it and go put on her best dress or suit or outfit or whatever it is girls wear, and march right into work. She figured she could trick herself psychologically. So instead of putting on a fat shirt and the old old shorts with the embarrassing rip in the back, which is what I have done, and instead of boo-hoo-ing into lotion-infused facial tissues and writhing in fetid pools of self-pity, she just goes: What? What’s the problem here? Look how dressed up I am. This is how an unsick person dresses. Good day I said good day.

Did it work? WHO CARES MAKE UP YOUR OWN ENDING MY THROAT HURTS AND I CAN’T HEAR.

*P.S. After re-reading this I realized it’s actually my LEFT ear that’s gone out of commission. I CAN NO LONGER TELL RIGHT FROM LEFT WITHOUT STOPPING TO THINK ABOUT IT. Though this condition predates this entry. I also have trouble instantly differentiating horizontal from vertical. I have to stop and say: OK, the horizon runs horizontally. OH LIKE YOU’RE SOME MEGA-GENIUS FROM PLANET MENSA.