DR. ALPHONSE: [indecipherable]

ME: Eh? Hello? Doc? You there?

DR. ALPHONSE: I know that voice.

ME: Hi!

DR. ALPHONSE: Jesus Christ in heaven, please tell me this isn’t Josh.

ME: Doc, I’m going to have to refer you to our modified contract, and one stipulation was that you’d have a copy right there in the nightstand, and another, and this is the key thing here, another is that I’m paying you seventy-five dollars extra to be able to call you in the middle of the night.

DR. ALPHONSE: I thought whatsisname negotiated us out of that.

ME: No, he negotiated us out of fifty bucks, but not the seventy-five.

DR. ALPHONSE: [expletive deleted] So make it worth it, son.

ME: Lookit. I want a modern home with nothing but windows and ninety-degree angles, looking out on the Pacific, writing songs on the piano in between peeks at Julie Andrews’ camel toe.

DR. ALPHONSE: Inc, we’ve been over this and over this.

ME: This is new and different. I want to wear white suits.

DR. ALPHONSE: Yeah and I prescribed something under the counter. Remember the elaborate directions? The code word?

ME: I ended up at a rave. I had to hold an egg for twelve hours straight.

DR. ALPHONSE: Right, and you felt like a million bucks.

ME: Roundabout four in the morning I felt like ten grand but that’s it.

DR. ALPHONSE: OK then, what do you want from me?

ME: I want something that puts me in an ABC video.

DR. ALPHONSE: [pause] I’ll make three phone calls, you come see me next Tuesday.

ME: I love you, Doctor Alphonse.

DR. ALPHONSE: I know you do, son.